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An Abusive Relationship With Myself

Let me be completely honest… I am often horrible to myself. I like to dress it up as if I am being kind and generous and loving, but what I’m actually doing is killing myself, and much faster than I’d like to admit.

When I have a bad day, I like to go home and sit on the couch, watching TV while eating pizza and cookies. I have lots of bad days. I’ve had mental health issues for most of my adult life, so it kind of comes with the territory. When everything seems pointless or hopeless, it seems natural to treat yourself in some way, such as allowing yourself to eat your favorite meal or to skip your exercise. Certainly this can make up for some of the utter crap of the day, right?

I have somehow brainwashed myself into believing this is what I deserve… this is what I need. I need all this coddling and pampering. What horseshit. What I NEED is a body that is strong and resilient. What I need are friends I can call when I need someone to talk to. What I need is to feel fulfillment from other areas of my life so I do not need to look to food for that… to fill that emptiness. If I feel as though my life is lacking in some way, cake will not make this better. Cookies are never the answer (even though they lie and tell me they are).

I’m going to start a new phase of my life on Monday, and I hope you’ll join me. I’m going to post weekly videos on YouTube to track my progres. The first step is admitting to ourselves that we’ve been really shitty owners of our bodies. If your body were a child, would you have allowed it that many treats throughout the years? Heck no. That child would learn to eat his/her vegetables, dang it. I think I need to learn to separate my emotions from my physical self. Yes, some days I will come home from work mad or sad or super frustrated. That has nothing to do with the fuel my body needs to stay healthy. I can find other outlets in which to express my feelings.

I can stop hurting myself.

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

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