This may be painful to write, but I want to talk frankly about insecurities. If you read my introduction post, you know I decided to start making videos on YouTube out of boredom and out of my desperation to find a hobby that would take up a large amount of my time. (When I have too much time on my hands, I tend to fall into a depression.) I watched quite a bit of YouTube videos in preparation for my channels, but instead of making me feel more prepared to make my own videos, it instead made me think pretty dark thoughts.
I’m not pretty enough to be on YouTube.
I’m not cool enough to be on YouTube.
I’m not interesting enough to be on YouTube.
This went on for quite some time, and it all boiled down to “I’m not enough.” I’m never going to be pretty enough, cool enough, or interesting enough for people to want to watch my videos. It’s especially terrifying on YouTube because people might go through and give me countless “thumbs down” votes or leave hurtful comments. Why would I subject myself to this?
Well, because I have to. I have weird, dueling sides of my personality. On one side, I’m happy to not wear much makeup at all and to have my natural hair color in a time when that seems to be more and more of a rare sight. On the other hand, I just want to blend in and not catch any attention. You’d think being yourself and not wearing tons of makeup or dying your hair 50 different shades would mean I’d blend in fine, but not on YouTube. My homepage is always full of beautiful women with colorful hairstyles and lots of perfectly-applied makeup. They look lovely and they certainly attract attention… and if a video with me featured in the thumbnail is right next to theirs? I stick out… and not only that, but I can’t help but think “ugly,” “plain,” and “not enough.”
Have you ever read The Knife of Never Letting Go by Patrick Ness? I related with the main character, Todd, quite a bit. People would tell him ‘you’re nothing’ (in the dialogue of their people) so often that he internalized it himself and believed it.
I can’t accept that. I might feel like I’m not enough or that I’m nothing, but that is a temporary feeling and I can move past it. More than that, I can be an example for other girls and women who also feel that they are not “enough.” So, I’m going to put myself out there. I’m going to be myself and not conform to the pressures, real or perceived, to dye my hair or wear more makeup or whatever. I am me, and I am enough.